Megan Again: Motherhood
By Megan Wirts
I remember clearly the day that my husband and I decided that we wanted to become parents.
Sitting across from each other in a restaurant booth my husband of just a few months said, “Let’s have a baby!”, and I gleefully agreed. Less than a year later our daughter was born, and just like that, I was somebody’s mother.
Being a mother is one of only two things that I have been certain about in my life. The other thing was that I wanted to marry that dark eyed boy I saw sitting across the library from me back in the 3rd grade.
I must admit that I had expectations about motherhood. Between trips to the bathroom to vomit every 10 minutes and trying to squeeze my feet into giant pink crocs making them look like I was walking on two pink hippos, I would dream about what it would be like when...
...my little bundle of joy appeared. I imagined snuggling my tiny newborn and nursing her to sleep, laying her gently into her bassinette and marveling at the beautiful child that my husband and I created while he and I drifted off to sleep.
I was in some kind of deranged pregnancy fantasy land. Not one time was I able to nurse my children to sleep and lay them gently in their bassinette. NOT ONE TIME! As soon as I would lay either one of them down, their tiny baby eyes would pop open and they would sob hysterically until I picked them back up. And the thought of my husband and I drifting off to sleep…HAHAHA! What was I thinking?! I haven’t drifted off to sleep in over 13 years now. Sure, the baby will sleep eventually, but as soon as that child is in your arms the worry sets in and you will never sleep soundly again.
First you worry about keeping them alive. You just want them to eat enough and not suffocate them on accident. Once they start moving around and grabbing things, you worry about them choking on something or falling down a stairwell that hasn’t been properly gated off or heavy furniture falling on them. Not to mention all the things that can go wrong once you leave the house with them. Now you worry about having the proper car seat and if it’s installed correctly and you are terrified that some fool is going to be texting and driving or drunk and kill all of you.
You can’t even fathom the idea of your baby being hurt. What if you die and leave your baby motherless? Will your husband remarry? Will they love her more? I CAN’T DIE! No other woman is going to raise my baby!!
See, you can really spiral into a worry tornado if you aren’t careful. Motherhood will do that to you.
Then they become big kids and teenagers. Sure, the kids are sleeping just fine now, but you can’t seem to get the thoughts of how much you might be screwing them up out of your head. Along with thoughts about what kind of world is our generation leaving them and am I doing enough to make it a better place.
You worry about them making friends at school and getting good grades. You worry that they might not be getting enough vitamins or that they are on their phone too much. You worry that they see you on your phone all the time and that you probably swear too much around them. (No, it’s fine, they know not to use those words. It’s fine. Crap, it’s probably not fine.) Then you start thinking about how in just a few short years your oldest baby will be leaving the nest and…Oh no! Have I done enough to prepare her for adulthood and please don’t let her get abducted and human trafficked!!!
Being a mother is nothing like I thought it would be. It’s chaos, messy, stressful, worrisome and terrifying, but it is also joyous, beautiful, blissful and the best thing I have ever done in my entire life.
Motherhood is a ridiculous emotional rollercoaster with the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. So, you might worry about every little thing, you are sleep deprived and your baby never slept in their bassinette. Once that baby drifts off to sleep in your arms, (they are the only one that will be doing any drifting) and you look at that sweet little face and they sigh a tiny baby sigh, your heart will swell bigger than the Grinch’s did when he held Cindy Lou Who’s hand. Then every worry you ever had will melt away for a brief moment and you will be at peace and you will know that this is where you were meant to be.
There is nothing like a sleeping newborn or a round, squishy, giggling 6-month-old. *swoon* All the worry, sleepless nights and toddler tantrums are worth it once your 3-year-old little boy with dirt all over his face brings you a hand full of dandelions, smooches your cheek and says, “I wub you momma!”.
He will also grow to become a hilarious and sweet boy that will make you laugh every chance he gets and hug you tight when he knows you need one. Then your tiny curly haired girl turns into an intelligent, thoughtful and kind-hearted teenager that has more talent in her pinky finger than you ever dreamt of, and your heart swells with pride. You can’t believe that you had a hand in creating people like that.
Motherhood will kill you and bring you to life in just one breath. Motherhood is convincing your child that there is nothing to be afraid of, while being terrified yourself. Motherhood is absolute unconditional love while also wondering why in the world won’t they just GO TO BED ALREADY, because you need a moment where nobody is asking you for anything or touching you.
Then you will miss your baby while they are sleeping and you will go into their room and stare at them like a creeper and watch them sleep and feel so overwhelmed by love that you will start crying and they will wake up to the sound of your sniffling and you will scare them and now they won’t go back to sleep and the cycle continues.
Every cliché thing they say about motherhood is true. Motherhood is the hardest job I have ever had, but by far my favorite. I hope every day that I love my small people enough and in the way that they need.
Happy Mother’s Day to my fellow momma’s out there. It doesn’t matter how you came to be a mother, if you are brand new or your babies are grown, a mother is a mother forever. I hope your day is filled with love, celebration….
…. and maybe a little extra sleep.
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